How we maintain and nurture our cycles of suffering.
Over the last couple of years along with the help of a colleague. I have been making observations of myself and the ongoing cyclical patterns in my state of being which I appear to move through. These patterns on the surface display as myself being open and confident to connect to my environment and then wanting to seperate away and have space by myself from interactions with my environment.
Specifically i have narrowed down the focus to two strong aspects of myself which falter and go into a grey area when it comes to interrelating with a man more specifically one that there has been or is an intimate relationship with. It is more perhaps that the first character which i will call the ‘hiding storme’ is a character in a story of my life which has been created and developed with its own brain chemistry, psychological profile, beliefs and behaviors which is in conflict with the other character which is more aligned to my highest potential of a true expression of God or spirit in the Self which we can call ‘connecting storme’.
Hiding storme exists to uphold a story of storme in which she has suffered trauma and particular life experiences where she now needs to relate to a man or imagines a relationship with a man of whom can protect her and who can provide a place she can hide and inhabit a state of dependency. This character feels she can’t do it on her own, she has lots of self doubt, and depends on being able to hide away when it looks unsafe and uncertain and then come out again when it is perceivably better.
On the surface this may not look like such a bad thing but the point is that it exists within a cycle from which there can be no growth, development or evolution of the self if any of these parts are allowed to continue on perpetuating the cycle of suffering. The salvation is to become mindful and recognise them in action so they can be tended to consciously and
The connecting storme is very present and is learning and practicing the art of being in service to others and putting herself….and her story of suffering second. It is a practice of mindful awareness as to who is interacting now? What ‘I’ am I speaking from now at this moment what ‘I’ am i writing this from at this moment. Who is the observer? Who is the performer of the speech or the action?
If we practice extending our awareness of ourself and our environment we can become more knowledgeable about exactly why these parts of us or aspects exist, what they look like and what their behaviours are at any given time.
The hiding Storme can enter into communication with her environment seeking comfort and or attention. The underlying issue is fear and insecurity. This character is acting from the context of her story which includes childhood sexual abuse and various other themes and experiences. To grasp what i am saying we can simplify it to explain it in a clearer example. The difference is will i be the story of my life or will i be Storme who has had lots of varying experiences in her life?? These are two very different concepts.
If a person is completely in their ‘story’ there will be a lot of energy put into supporting why they are how they are now. This happened to me so this is why this is now. Where is the room for change, healing and growth in this scenario?
In actual reality if we look at our life experiences that have been perceivably ‘negative’ and look at them as data to learn from and develop compassion for others who have experienced this suffering and so on then we can move out of the story and be in the present moment. Well….not so easy a task especially if consider we may have a smorgasbord of characters or points of who the ‘I’ is that can arise at any time to fulfill their current need or role play of repeated cycles of suffering.
My answer to this is to cooperate and collaborate with your environment and always journey inside yourself to find understanding of what is making you tick. Practicing mindfulness has and is such a wonderful tool that i use daily and all throughout the day.
Now let us return to the focus of the article which is to explain my observations of the addictive nature of some of these developed behaviors.I was very grateful to be able to speak openly with my colleague and to also be in a state where i was being very mindful and aware of what my behaviors were the other day. We had been investigating these cycles and the characters and i observed myself in the early part of the day moving into a different state of ‘I am.’ When i say this i mean that there was a character change, or different persona or aspect of myself that came into centre view and was the dominant
leading part of Storme.
This character is a step on from the hiding storme. We will call her ‘desperate storme.’ Hiding Storme had been active previously and there was an experience where she was unable to connect to who she wanted to, to keep the story running, find comfort and be the centre of attention for that particular person. The story was being upheld and fed lots of energy as hiding storme felt devastated, lost, abandoned and very uncertain.
Enter stage left comes ‘desperate storme!! As i watched this change i was very intrigued. You must understand that these can be subtle changes and whilst this was happening i was undergoing my usual daily activities just with a very watchful
eye-excuse the pun !! Desperate Stormes physical body was experiencing a large amount of sexual energy throughout her body. She had distant thoughts of connecting to a very close friend of hers of whom she has been in an intimate relationship with and there was a direct and very intent energy to want to create an opportunity to see him so they could have sexual
relations together. The friend came over and this energy within storme in the desperate storme character continued as they chatted and discussed what might be happening in these processes. During this communication there was a very big AHA moment where i felt as if i suddenly came out of this ‘desperate storme;s’ character to view her very clearly and to see that what….. I….storme wanted, was not what this other part of me the ‘desperate storme’ wanted, which was to receive direct attention, be at the centre and find comfort through sex. This character also inhabits a very strong sense of ‘I WANT’ if i want it then i must have it. The addictive nature displaying itself as a desperate need and intent to find a ‘fix’ or hit’.
The feeling i had which was so strong in this moment as i saw this brought me to tears. I could see so clearly that this desperate storme character had been put together and developed as stage two of the strategy throughout my life to uphold my story but to also if all else failed find and get my ‘Fix’ of attention, comfort and importance. I recognised the addictive nature of this desperate character because it had so much energy attached it, it was manipulative, directly focused on getting what it wanted so much so that it was blinded to its environment, fixated and desperate. The second marker to this addictive nature is my instant remorse and remembering back over my life as to the impact and distress this part of myself had contributed to and caused to those around me and to myself. Although i know i did not intentionally take actions to hurt another person in my life it doesn’t mean i haven’t done exactly that. The reason i couldn’t see it at the time is because i was so engrossed in me, my characters, my suffering and my story, with the whole focus being on self serving myself. If we are honest with ourselves we could at any given moment check in and ask ourselves ‘am i doing or saying this….to fulfill my needs, wants and desires? Is it multi layered with multiple motivators? Or is this moment where we are happy to be second to provide for another unconditionally? How does the action i have taken support my perceived story of my life? How does the words i have been speaking and the content of what have been saying support the story of my life?
I referenced back in my memory to my late teenage years after going through an intense stage of anxiety, depression, alcohol and drug abuse, to a time where i had an AHA moment out of the haze of intoxicants to see the path of debri i had left behind me. This debri was the impact of distress and hurt it had caused to my family, friends and anyone i had interacted with whilst dwelling in my own pool of suffering and self centred delusions.. This may sound harsh but it is true and of course it is not to say i had many good experiences as well, but this is the topic of focus for this article…:)
Now seeing the addictive nature of this aspect of myself in such a clear way the following days i have been very mindful and observant of these characters wanting to take centre stage. Sometimes they have but i have managed to bring back into centre
‘connecting storme’. I suspect i will need to keep this practice going until they simply peter out and run out of puff. Perhaps it will take me 30 days to change this habit, which is what it is also.
Until next time….please keep growing, keep asking questions and keep diving deeper. The secret to living a happy, peaceful and joyous life is being courageous to identify and confront what lies underneath with an open heart to make a change and do
your part to make a brighter future for our children, ourselves and the entire planet.
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