This revelation and knowing that ‘you don’t need to be broken to be loved’ came to me at 6am on a Sunday morning while i was in deep meditation.
The beginning of the awareness of this particular type of struggle inside myself came about as it always does in the reflection of my experiences with my environment only 8-10 weeks ago. It is my belief and knowing that we are like projectors and our whole life, the experiences we have, our belief systems and patterns are all projected out from within us to create life as we know it. Even though this has been proven to me many times over for myself and with my clients it still took me awhile to catch on!
I will describe the circumstances and experiences i was having to provide a working demonstration of how we can learn from our classroom of life continually. If we truly want to wake up from our unconscious suffering we can face each conflict, grievance and discomfort to learn and understand why that is our experience. It is in this understanding we can move closer to compassion, care and kindness for ourselves and then in turn for our environment. This is how we can help change the world to a brighter evolved consciousness through each and every one of us’s journey of waking up. In this learning for me there were four notable recurring and ongoing experiences which were my main indicators of the conflict inside of myself.
Experience number 1.
8-10 weeks ago i had finally saved enough money to purchase a new laptop computer. The one i had had been broken on the lid, the screen had black pixelated spots on it, the battery only lasted 1 minute, it is soooo slow and the battery charger did not connect properly into the socket, hence the untidy bits of tape and such to hold it in! I searched for hours to find a laptop i considered to be suitable and purchased it online. I received my laptop a week later only to discover it was doing weird things, like pasting text twice when using the copy and paste or weird red dots appearing on the screen and so on. Well….so began the saga. I won’t bore you with the copious amounts of emails, phone calls and so on i am still engaged in 8 weeks later in an attempt to get my money back or a replacement. As i write this article i do not have the laptop nor my money! but now i do understand as of 6am this morning why this has been my experience and i wholeheartedly believe i will find an immediate change of circumstances for me in regards to this because of my new enlightened understanding, as now i will be projecting this into my environment.
Experience number 2.
My beautiful daughter for quite awhile now has been displaying a notable behaviour which has increased in regularity over the last few months. This behaviour has been very triggering for me which is a direct indication it is related to something inside myself that needs addressing. The types of behaviors she would do is seek attention from me via either pretending to or really hurting herself, falling over or something of the like. Bless her 7 year old self for running this pattern for me to see it in myself. Jorja would do obviously amusing yet distressing things like on our daily walk with the dog, she would ride her bike ahead of me and go around the corner so i couldn’t see her, lie her bike on the ground and then lie down next it, waiting for me to come around the corner and think she had fallen off the bike. I do see the humor in this but when she used to do it i also was frustrated as to why she thought she needed to do that to receive attention, as she has no short supply of it. Now i can see she is innocently running an inherited pattern just like a computer program would run if it is installed on a computer. Jorja underneath the many expressions of this pattern was essentially repeating the same message ‘i need to be broken to be loved’.
Experience number 3.
I had recently been presented with an opportunity to trial the apple iTunes music subscription. I own a classic iPod which i got approx. 5 years ago and my daughter owns a Nano ipod. We were happy to listen to some new music and went to put it onto our ipods so we could listen to it in the lounge room only to find that it wouldn’t work. I spent a great deal of time troubleshooting, calling apple, emailing apple and so on only to find out you have to have a fairly new ipod or apple device to actually use the apple subscription in the first place. Long story short this experience was another example of me hitting my head against the wall in frustration and feelings of not being valued, discriminated against, excluded and taken advantage of. I began with apple a complaint process about being misled when subscribing to their offer and so on. This experience was another example of where underneath it all i felt unjustly excluded from a service and product, that i nor the ‘little people’ do not matter and that the whole world has gone crazy with competition and making a profit.
Experience number 4.
There was an unknown charge from a paypal merchant on my bank statement which i contacted paypal about. All i kept getting was automated emails and so on from them. This experience was another frustration of how me and ‘the little people’ simply do not matter to ‘them’ and my request and experience is simply just not important and so on.
I can add in other examples over the last 8 weeks of not being paid for workshops i have conducted despite communicating with the venue, having other payments from work commitments delayed for unknown reasons, events i was conducting being cancelled and so on. It’s just to uncanny to be a whole lot of coincidences!
Ok, so now you have a little window into the life of Storme over the last 2 months, now for me to provide what i have discovered to be the main pattern and learning from it all. I might add that we humans can run these types of patterns, if we are not looking our whole lives.
During my meditation this morning i began by relaxing and finding a stillness inside of myself. I then observed from this place the exact feelings i have been experiencing in relation to these mentioned events. Preceding this meditation the day before i was very much inhabiting a space of deep sadness and hopelessness. These feelings were also dominant during the meditation. Observing these feelings i was reminded of a sound healing meditation i conducted the day before, where i was sitting playing the crystal bowls in the hall and the sun had begun to set and suddenly began to shine directly through the window onto me as i was doing the meditation. My response to it was that i had somehow become lost and the sun reminded me of my connection to all things specifically ideas of light, love and connection.
What was clear was the sadness and hopelessness was a place i was inhabiting where i was in the victim end of a duality where i was completely insignificant to the world, worthless, unloved and abandoned. This is what was behind the frustration and need to fight for my rights. As i observed these feelings i felt like i was sinking further and further down into nothingness and becoming obsolete. I asked for guidance from one of my guides who i will refer to as ‘Thay’ (Vietnamese for Master Teacher). Thay assisted me as we begun an exercise together of allowing the process of sinking down like in water to the very bottom of the lake or ocean. As i sat there with Thay all i wanted to do was to quickly swim to the top, full of fear. I looked even deeper. Why did i have this fear and desperate need to swim to the top?, perhaps in another context this visualisation could provide a person with much needed space, quiet and stillness. The fear and desperation were because if i was not seen and perhaps sitting on the shore where i was visible then i would surely die, i would not receive love or nurture, i would not be connected to family, friends or the community and i would cease to exist.
Thay assisted me to see and release the egoic component of ‘being seen’ with the egoic need to get attention in the effort to maintain a perceived position or status of value and worth. This showed me that there was more to be found underneath this as the ego has grown and does grow from our belief systems and ‘programming’ to try and maintain our beliefs and conditioning as it believes this will ensure our survival. Another point to note is that the ego will always be involved in this ‘maintenance’ coming directly from a foundational pattern or belief which is founded in lack or scarcity. So this was another clue for me on my journey to understanding.
After allowing this to release i was given the exercise to see myself synchronistically sitting at the bottom of the lake and also sitting on the shore. This was an exercise in practicing non duality, being able to see myself as not separate to the other but in fact as a composition of the whole. This visualisation enabled me to allow into the story compassion and care for the self that was feeling the pain.
I was then shown the previously very subconscious feeling and belief in the form of younger versions of myself, 7 years old and 8 years old being the strongest that ‘I need to be broken to be loved.’ (how pertinent is it to note my daughter who is 7 and a half years old to be displaying this pattern!)
Wow, what a revelation. Now i think it is important to note that by simply conceptualising these ideas is not enough to really know it in yourself. Because i was right in the middle of these experiences and i began to search and wake up to the understanding of why, it is the whole process of the awakening into the suffering and to the understanding that provides us with the ‘knowing’ and therefore the learning. My point being folks try not to take the hurts and discomforts of your life as something to avoid, suppress or limit your awareness of. They are your learning platforms and if i hear you say well…..how do we find the understanding to follow this process? I recommend setting an intention with yourself that you want to understand, listen to your intuition, make choices to not continue the dramas but to walk mindfully and keep asking for understanding.
I would like to explain the belief i discovered ‘I need to be broken to be loved’ as to how that actually played out for me unknowingly in the past to provide further context and understanding for you. I believe without a doubt this area of patterning is inherited from both my mum and dads side of the family. This belief is in no way unique to me and my family and of course as we are not separate to one another there are many of us who run this pattern.
The ways in which this pattern would be displayed would be my constant participation as a child in falling ill with various illnesses like glandular fever, the flu and asthma. The stimulus in the subconscious is around a paradigm of lack and scarcity. “I will be loved and cared for if i am sick”. “I will be loved and cared for if i break my arm” etc.
Relating this back to my issues with online purchases, apple music and my daughters behaviors. I was running a program of lack and scarcity in these experiences. I only have this amount of money and now i have no product and no money, what about me?. In my fight with them i am demanding to receive attention, love, care and value but from a place of lack. This is why it does not work. The fact is these giant paradigms of the ‘profit motive’ and ‘victim/bully’ movie scripts are running constantly and as we become more enlightened and evolved the more of us will begin to not become involved in them and not to feed them. This is when it will change. So i could be consciously and mindfully involved in any of these paradigms but as of now i have released my attachment into the drama. Prior to today i was feeding and keeping that paradigm alive by my unconscious suffering and active asleep role in the duality.
Another example of how i supported the belief of needing to be broken to be loved is living the duality of being someone who was seen as ‘talented’ in the area of music and singing but then also seen as ‘unfortunate’ as i couldn’t seem to ever be able to make my life and with music come to fruition. So within that example i would be playing out the belief to receive attention in that duality.
So now what do i do? Well understanding is everything. Now i understand this it is my job to remain mindful of this new found knowing everyday and to feed a new pattern forward. The new pattern is ‘Because I am here I am loved’ This is now in the realm of trusting in the divine intelligence of spirit or god and allowing myself to receive through a new channel of love and trust and wholeness.
If we had a good look around at ourselves and those around us we also notice how competitive these types of patterns can be. Reflecting back over the year i can see many experiences where i have unwittingly entered into this competition where i can now observe feelings inside myself of having to compete with other people as to who is the most ‘broken’ and therefore who should win and who should stand down and so on. Its as if we are all screaming I’m the victim, no i’m the victim, I’m the most important, no I’m the most important!! These types of conflicts can become very distressing and cruel, it is especially difficult when we cant see past our own suffering. If you can think of a conflict you have had with someone try and take a look as deep as you can to observe as to what is really going on for the other person underneath the drama, then find those same themes in yourself and what role you have played. At the end of the day being whole is embracing the fact that you and me are no different from one another on the inside. We all want to be loved, we all want to love.
Thank You for reading and please feel welcome to contact me anytime if you have any queries or questions, after all understanding is everything right? 🙂